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Read moreIt's Been One Month Today
It's been one month. As a psychotherapist/Social Worker I've kept fairly quiet on Social Media about the Florida School shooting. Today, a month after the tragedy, I feel compelled to speak out about the effects of developmental trauma and how it impacts our nation. If you have not heard of the ACES study, please look it up, it provides valuable information about how traumatic stress effects our health. It also effects and changes our brains. As a nation we spend so much money on treating the symptoms of trauma (heart disease, anxiety, depression) by prescribing medication. We need to refocus our efforts on treating the victims of development trauma using evidenced based therapy (EMDR/Attachment focused EMDR). Otherwise, the cycle of trauma will continue. As a Walla Walla Washington principal once said, "We need to change the question from 'What's wrong with you' to 'What happened to you?' We need to change our system of care to help change the lives and the brains of victims of developmental trauma.
In the Wake of a Tragedy
After waking up yesterday to the news of the massacre in Vegas, I have been walking around with a heavy heart. Sometimes my container, the one I use to store my heavy things, so I can move trough my day more effectively, just can’t hold it all. This time, I need to sit in the pain. I need to acknowledge the wave of grief I feel for Vegas and the victims, living and dead. Then I can take care of myself, my family and be present for my clients. A better world begins with self compassion. Hoping that you can all take time for yourselves today, whatever pain or difficulty you are moving through.
Once we have taken the time to care for ourselves we must as parents, teachers, role models we must help our children process these events as well. The following are some guidelines (from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network) for how to engage with our children and teens about the shooting. Overall, it's important to limit media exposure.
Talking to Children about the Shooting The recent shooting has evoked many emotions—sadness, grief, helplessness, anxiety, and anger. Children who are struggling with their thoughts and feelings about the stories and images of the shooting may turn to trusted adults for help and guidance
. • Start the conversation. Talk about the shooting with your child. Not talking about it can make the event even more threatening in your child’s mind. Silence suggests that what has occurred is too horrible even to speak about or that you do not know what has happened. With social media (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, text messages, newsbreaks on favorite radio and TV stations, and others), it is highly unlikely that children and teenagers have not heard about this. Chances are your child has heard about it, too
. • What does your child already know? Start by asking what your child/teen already has heard about the events from the media and from friends. Listen carefully; try to figure out what he or she knows or believes. As your child explains, listen for misinformation, misconceptions, and underlying fears or concerns. Understand that this information will change as more facts about the shooting are known.
• Gently correct inaccurate information. If your child/teen has inaccurate information or misconceptions, take time to provide the correct information in simple, clear, age appropriate language.
• Encourage your child to ask questions, and answer those questions directly. Your child/teen may have some difficult questions about the incident. For example, she may ask if it is possible that it could happen at your workplace; she is probably really asking whether it is “likely.” The concern about re-occurrence will be an issue for caregivers and children/teens alike. While it is important to discuss the likelihood of this risk, she is also asking if she is safe. This may be a time to review plans your family has for keeping safe in the event of any crisis situation. Do give any information you have on the help and support the victims and their families are receiving. Like adults, children/teens are better able to cope with a difficult situation when they have the facts about it. Having question-and-answer talks gives your child ongoing support as he or she begins to cope with the range of emotions stirred up by this tragedy.
• Limit media exposure. Limit your child’s exposure to media images and sounds of the shooting, and do not allow your very young children to see or hear any TV/radio shooting related messages. Even if they appear to be engrossed in play, children often are aware of what you are watching on TV or listening to on the radio. What may not be upsetting to an adult may be very upsetting and confusing for a child. Limit your own exposure as well. Adults may become more distressed with nonstop exposure to media coverage of this shooting.
• Common reactions. Children/Teens may have reactions to this tragedy. In the immediate aftermath of the shooting, they may have more problems paying attention and concentrating.
They may become more irritable or defiant. Children and even teens may have trouble separating from caregivers, wanting to stay at home or close by them. It’s common for young people to feel anxious about what has happened, what may happen in the future, and how it will impact their lives. Children/Teens may think about this event, even when they try not to. Their sleep and appetite routines may change. In general, you should see these reactions lessen within a few weeks
• Be a positive role model. Consider sharing your feelings about the events with your child/teen, but at a level they can understand. You may express sadness and empathy for the victims and their families. You may share some worry, but it is important to also share ideas for coping with difficult situations like this tragedy. When you speak of the quick response by law enforcement and medical personnel to help the victims (and the heroic or generous efforts of ordinary citizens), you help your child/teen see that there can be good, even in the mist of such a horrific event.
• Be patient. In times of stress, children/teens may have trouble with their behavior, concentration, and attention. While they may not openly ask for your guidance or support, they will want it. Adolescents who are seeking increased independence may have difficulty expressing their needs. Both children and teens will need a little extra patience, care, and love. (Be patient with yourself, too!).
• Extra help. Should reactions continue or at any point interfere with your children’s/teens’ abilities to function or if you are worried, contact local mental health professionals who have expertise in trauma. Contact your family physician, pediatrician, or state mental health associations for referrals to such experts.
My kid has never experienced trauma....or have they? What you might not understand about trauma.
I've spent many years working in trauma. A large part of my career I worked with an agency that contracted with our states Child Protective Services to provide in home pre and post adoption counseling. The children I worked with often experienced severe neglect and abuse. They witnessed their birth parents engage in domestic violence and often watched them succumb to addiction. I think everyone can agree that these are traumatic experiences. However, trauma does not have to fit into these categories to effect kids and their development and their ability to attach in healthy ways to the adults in their lives.
When asked, "has your child experienced any trauma?" Many birth parents will answer, "no." But in using a different route to get the answer, most parents are surprised to hear that their children may have experienced trauma that is affecting their ability to function in their day to day lives.
Some of the not-so-obvious forms of trauma that kids experience are the ones that happen pre verbally. Parents believe that children cannot possibly be effected by trauma that occurred prior to the development of language. And it's true that children often have no words to describe what they've been carrying around with them for years, but their bodies and brains hold the story.
As I begin a therapeutic journey with a parent and a child, we begin to uncover sources for their children's symptoms that parents had long since packaged away in their own minds and have never considered to be a cause of their child's struggles. One conversation with a parent whose son was in constant "fight or flight mode" (the reptilian brain believed that he was in danger much of the day, he was triggered by being in school, a disapproving look from a teacher, being away from his mother) answered "no" to the trauma question as well. Then I started to asked about his birth and she casually mentioned that he was in and out of the hospital from birth until age one due to a heart condition. He doesn't remember that, so it's not an issue, right? Quite the opposite, his body and brain remembered everything, that it was not safe to be away from mom, that the look on the adults face was associated with pain and separation from his parents, that the school building felt much like a lonely, painful hospital room. And his body responded to what the brain was telling him, it exclaimed, "you are not safe, run, move, fight!"
After discovering this medical trauma, we were able to use EMDR to process the negative thoughts that he carried since he was a baby and teach his brain that this trauma was in the past.
When you sit back and think about your child's history consider what may have affected them: a storm (Sandy), a fire (even a small kitchen fire), a move, a sibling birth, the death of a loved one.
Stay tuned for more information on trauma and how the brain stores trauma, making the past feel very present.